What a week!
It was rough, to say the least. Life is never going to be perfect, even without alcohol, but this week felt as though I had been beaten up, emotionally, by the time Friday came around. I will not go into any detail. It doesn't matter, to be fair. But it was one of those weeks when you cast your eyes skyward and cry: "Really? What's next?"
I completely used up all my tools and tactics to cope, and thankfully never once thought about drinking alcohol, which used to be my go-to "friend" when stress hit. I never think about drinking, these days. This is something I am massively grateful for. So, how do you cope with stress without alcohol?
Without alcohol it meant I had to work at keeping my emotions in check when needed, and allowing them to spill out when I was able to vent. I took time to care for myself - the classic long hot baths in scented water, piled high with bubbles. Or a good book in the evening lamplight, so soothing. Or regular bouts of dreaming of a future life with my family where I might get more free-time with them.
And without blurring everything with booze, I noticed a lot of little things happen around me.
My family rallied around me. First it was little things, like a mug of hot tea appearing on my work desk. Or a gift of a doughnut bought during a shopping trip - although these are not generally helpful given my need to cut down sugar!
But the biggest thing was when my youngest came home, and announced he was taking our German Shepherd Nyx out to play, my huge-eared dog-bestie, and general emotional support friend.
Nyx lifted her head in interest as he picked up the dog leash. It's yellow, to signify she can be reactive with other dogs, so not to approach. Realising there might be an off-schedule walk involved, she stood up, shook away the nap she had been having, and dutifully followed him out of the garden. As the two of them left the house I felt so grateful for them. The sadness in my heart from the messy week increased a little as I noticed the absence of her beside me as I went back to my work on the computer. She is a huge comfort to me, always. My favourite work buddy.
An hour later they both piled back into the house, and crashed into the office, both faces beaming. It had clearly been a good walk!
It turned out it had been much, much more than that.
Charlie informed me that Nyx had made a friend!
Now, to most dog owners, this is nice news, but nothing overly special. But Nyx, with her reactivity, had never actually played with another dog in her life.
When she was younger we took her to puppy parties and dog training groups. But she hated them all, and froze in fear initially, only to break out in peels of aggressive barking to ward the other dogs away from her. She was shunned by the other dogs, and later booted out of the puppy parties and dog training sessions because she was too stressed and could not behave properly. They considered her too disruptive. We have no idea why she feared other dogs so much.
Despairing, I hired one-on-one trainers, at enormous cost. One gave up when she decided the hated him, and the other abandoned our sessions despite being paid for a bulk pack. My beautiful, and apparently 'broken', German Shepherd dog, so kind to her family, so dopey and daft, was a lost cause it would appear.
But she was already part of the family, so we adjusted ourselves to her needs, and started walking her in pouring rain, when no other dogs were around. We took her to dog fields we could rent out, so she could run and run with no fear of meeting other dogs. And we walked her at 5am in the morning, while it was still dark, and she revelled in collecting huge sticks and branches to take home with her, or chasing balls. The years passed, and she continued to bark at any dog who passed us. If you yourself have ever owned a reactive dog, you will understand the stress it can induce.
Charlie went on to tell me that he had not discussed it with me, as he had seen I had been struggling with the week, and he did not want to worry me... He had met with a friend and her dog, to see if they would get along.
Marley, a gorgeous looking scruffy little dog, loved German Shepherds most of all, and wanted to befriend all of them! He was bold as brass, with that wonderful Jack Russell bravery, and a little older than Nyx, so more mature. The two friends had decided they would get along just fine, and had decided to try it in order to cheer me up and make my week better.
Later that evening, exhausted from the week and not a little emotional, I watched the video they had taken of the two new friends together. Marley had stolen Nyx's stick, and was racing round and round in circles, with Nyx chasing him and the stick delightedly. Every time he paused, so would she, the smile on her face wide and beaming! They ran and ran until they were both tired out, took a break, and then ran some more. It was the best play-date ever!
My friend, it broke my heart into little pieces to see her so happy, in a GOOD way. And it flipped a terrible week almost instantly into one of the best weeks of my life! All that patience with her, all of the work we had done over the years... to see this one short video, and all the photos that followed, made me deleriously happy. Oh, the elation I felt, watching her with her first ever doggy friend.
And this is the point of my story.
In moments, a tiny act from someone close to me, turned a terrible week into an awesome one. I went from feeling flat and exhausted, to absolutely elated, in seconds. This is what life is about!
Years back, I would have drowned my sorrows in a bottle of wine each evening. Sure, it would have dulled the pain of the week a little, but if you dull the bad stuff, you also dull all the good stuff, too. I would have missed out on that incredble feeling, that lift as I watched the video clip. When I was drinking, even when not to excess, I never fully felt emotions like I did yesterday. My heart actually soared!
If you were struggling this week, massive hugs to you my friend. If you are still drinking alcohol to cope, then let me leave you with a little hope...
Life really is better without alcohol, even the rubbish weeks.
Love always,
Amanda & a very happy Nyx,
(who now has one friend.) xx
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